Raising a Uni-Ready Kid

For my day job, I teach at a university. Some of my classes are first year, some second year, and some third year, so I get a front row view of how students progress from beginning to end. Needless to say, I have also gone through the progression, myself, so I observe these changes with no small amount of nostalgia/annoyance/amusement.

I have often set my mind to lessons I learn about parenting from watching my students. Today, I thought to write them down. Take them for what they are worth, as being from a parent to a young child and a teacher, but not a child development expert by any means. But recent public discussions about education has fired my thoughts on this matter, so I thought I might share my observations and opinions.

Recently, the issue of "zero zeros" policies in public schools have made it into the news. It seems a high school teacher in Alberta was suspended at the end of the last school year for defying the principal's orders that no student ever receive a zero. In fact, today that teacher, Lynden Dorval, will attend a hearing to learn if he will ever teach again.

The basic theory behind this is that the failure to hand in assignments is a behaviour issue, and not an academic one, so teachers cannot dole out absolute fails for a student's refusal to do the work. They also say it's a way for each student to learn at their own pace, and not be penalized for falling behind, as well as reduce stress for students. (The idea being that punishing a student for poor behaviour or late work will reduce their overall learning, prejudice their permanent record against them, and discourage them from even trying.) The teachers are obligated, within these systems, to convince the student to eventually do the work, to offer extra time for them, to allow them re-write times, to set extra-credit work, to consult with parents about the behaviour, and/or to mark whatever was handed in, and to make the final mark out of that by dropping the non-assessable assignments. In some districts, teachers are obligated to offer re-dos/re-writes if the homework is plagiarized or the tests are cheated on!

You can probably imagine my misgivings about this policy. I can see that the theorists have their hearts in the right place, and I admit they know more about educational theory than I, but I can't help but think that deadlines (i.e. time management, attentiveness, and dedication) are part and parcel with education. I also question the practicality and long term effects of such policies.

How can you mark a student based solely on academics, when you require them to display the "behaviour" of handing something in at some point? What if the student hands in nothing? What does "unable to assess" mean in the long run?

How much work would I have done in school if I knew there were no consequences to doing nothing, and that other students were getting the same (or even better) marks for doing less than me? I know how I'd feel - like a sucker for doing any more than I had to.

On top of all that, how will parents know their 9th grader isn't doing any work unless the grades start falling?

I was rather shocked when these stories started hitting the papers, since this was certainly not the policy when I was in school. I was in high school in the 90s, so I did benefit from the early-onset of the "no child left behind" policies of extra help, peer tutors, extra support for students with special needs, etc, but we had many deadlines, and we certainly got zeroes when we earned them. Likewise, in university, classes run the same way - accommodation for special needs is plentiful, tutors abound, profs offer extra help, and medical and sympathetic re-writes and extensions are certainly not rare. Most professors are open to discussing time crunch grounds for extensions if they are needed to allow students to do their best, if they are approached correctly and maturely, and the decisions can be fairly and uniformly enforced. But, we do give out Fs and zeroes as warranted. I find this reasonable, and I am baffled by the public school policy of no-zeroes, even when the student fails to show for tests without excuse.

One of the main concerns I have is how on earth these policies are expected to mesh with university policies, into which many of these highschoolers are expected to file after graduation from public school. I can tell you, from what I've seen so far, they do not mesh at all.

In recent years, the number of students who complain about failing courses, despite their failure to complete the work, has risen. The number of students expecting re-writes, extra-credit assignments, re-weighting, etc, without any medical/sympathetic cause is astounding. The expectation on the part of students that all grades are negotiable is, well, infuriating. Until I learned of the public schools implementing this zero-zero policy, these trends didn't quite make sense.

Now, they do.

On an official level, many universities are also noticing a major increase in the percentages of first year students who "wash out" (get such a low GPA that they are asked to leave) or get placed on academic probation. I would not be surprised if this, too, was related to the no-zero trend. After all, if you managed to cruise through four years of public high school without doing the work, how much cumulative knowledge will you miss? Could you handle university calc if you never did any high school math homework in your life?

Finally, the amount of remedial assistance required for first and second year students is increasing. University profs are doing more grammar, basic research skills, citation introduction, composition crash courses, etc, than we ever did before. We simply can no longer assume students have written research papers before attending university. When I started at university, it was assumed we had these basics from high school, and that we knew how to write an essay. That way, profs could focus on their subject, rather than on the nuts and bolts. Not so today.

This is not to say I blame the high school teachers, whatsoever. If policies like this disallow strict grading and force public school teachers to give up their own time to track down assignments, etc, I don't know how much more we can expect teachers to do, and I suspect that many are just as frustrated with this as some college/uni instructors are.

So, where does this leave us? I suppose it is now, perhaps more than ever, in the hands of parents to aim towards a university-ready child. Now that I have a child of my own, I watch public school theory much more closely, and I have become convinced that it is up to me to do what the teachers are not allowed to do - which is have high expectations of my child, for his own sake.

From my experience, both as a student and a teacher, there are a number of things that seem to hold true:

Too Much Money = Too Much Booze.

(If not booze, then some other distraction, perhaps, but most likely booze. Booze flows like water on campuses, and students do tend to go a bit nuts on it the first few months, at least.) While it is certainly true that students who must work more than 10-20 hours per week at a job during term can suffer a resulting decline in their GPA, I must say the opposite can also be true. Students who have unlimited funds often fall prey to their privilege. My advice - pay the tuition if you can, buy them a meal ticket if you wish, maybe help with the rent if you have extra, but never hand over the Gold Card and tell them to have fun. Consider making all spending money their own responsibility, no matter what your finances are like. Summer jobs, at the very least, never killed anyone, and a steadily dwindling bank account has served as a good reminder of the costs of binging to many a student. (On a personal note, paying my own way through school from the ground up made me value it more, for what it's worth.)

Freedom Can Be Horrible.

This is not to say that "constant vigilance" is the right answer, either. On the contrary, I've seen students with strict parents explode the moment they move into a dorm and realize mom isn't there. Others despair over being alone and making so many decisions, all of a sudden. The best course is to steadily increase freedoms/responsibilities/privacy from early childhood, so by the time they get to university they don't go wild with the heady thrill of forbidden joys, or decline due to lack of supervision. Free range is not just for granola munchers, and is not antithetical to the other opinions here, if you think about it. (On a related note, for the love of all that's holy, teach them how to do their laundry well before they go off to university! Also, how to cook, clean, grocery shop wisely, change a fuse, bank, do simple car maintenance, etc, etc. Advancing slowly and incrementally towards adulthood needs to be the focus for years prior to attaining it.)

Not Everything is Negotiable.

Some of us born to Baby Boomers and the subsequent generations have grown accustomed to parental negotiation. I'm not talking about simple ones, such as "Can I have a raw carrot instead of cooked veggies?" or other matters of preference, but of negotiated expectations, rules, regulations, even punishments. While, naturally, everything must be flexible to some extent, and every situation is unique, some things should remain non-negotiable. One example I have heard recently was a person who got a third speeding ticket in her parents' car, an event which she had been clearly warned would result in a set duration of grounding. It just so happened that the grounding period fell during the wrap up of her senior year, and she negotiated with her parents to proceed with the grounding, but still allow her to go to every single senior-year event. She even got them to let her use the car to attend them! Basically, this limit was so negotiable, it was pointless. Like the law, employers, and universities, only set limits you are willing to enforce; otherwise, they teach nothing but that every limit is negotiable - a lesson that will backfire in the "real world."

Reasonable Tough Love is a Gift. 
Reasonable Expectations are a Part of Tough Love.

The meaning here should be self-evident. Children raised with consistent, stable love, affection and attention develop the confidence required for later success. However, this doesn't require you to be your child's "best friend" instead of a parent, and placing loving, transparent, reasonable expectations (and consequences) upon them can and should be a part of this from preschool to high school, and, thus, beyond. As long as you are, indeed, reasonable (via ample communication, information, and observation), expectations can be a sign of love. Knowing your parent expects a certain level from you should be taken as a symptom of their pride and trust, and there is no feeling quite like rising to meet that expectation. People will rise, or stoop, to expectations from the people they love, and these things should not be undervalued, because, in the end, this is how they will learn how to expect things from themselves.

The Best Perspective: "Your Future = Your Responsibility."

I cannot overemphasize the importance of self-reliance, responsibility, and self-direction, since university exists on these qualities. I have seen students forced to go to university against their will, and this is a shame. I have seen many complain how hard it is to do their work without their parents riding them to do it, or without their mothers hovering over the Master Calendar to remind them of their obligations at all times. In my experience, students should understand their own agency in their lives by understanding their future is in their own hands. Thus, that's where the decisions and responsibilities should lie, as well. Associated with this is a firm suggestion to parents to back off as much as they can. (If you are paying all the bills, do what you need to do in regards to seeing the grades, but please understand the execution of university education is solely on your "child.") I had a colleague who had to deal with a student whose mom was doing his homework, which is ghastly. I myself have had calls and emails from parents "checking in," asking me for special conditions, and/or demanding explanation of grades - one, even, who decided to negotiate an F the student earned on an assignment that had been plagiarized! My response to these is, and must be (according to university policy), "Due to confidentiality, I cannot discuss grades with anyone but the student." Repeat after me: University is not grade school. There are no parent-teacher conferences here, so you best prepare your scholar for this by making sure they understand to rely on themselves and take charge of their own futures.

~*~

A lot of the above can really be summed up by a healthy work ethic development, and an awareness of self-entitlement, and how to balance an understanding of self-worth with a necessary community rationality. Everyone is entitled to basic respect and rights, but no one is de facto entitled to rewards, by definition, and believing otherwise can be harmful. That is, a kid who says, "I am valuable, loved, and I have potential and responsibilities" is wonderful; a student who says, "I'm the center of the universe, so hand me what I want" is not. One will work because she owes it to herself. The other will not, because the world owes it to her. One sees the work itself as important; the other sees only the pay off. One views his profs as his guide, and demands that their prof help them foster their own future. The other views his profs as servants, and demands the profs hand him the credits he (or his parents) have paid for. One learns from zeroes, even if they sting. The other will only complain about them.

I know most parents know this, because I still see streams and streams of hard working, engaged young people in my work. But, believe me, I also know it is not always easy to strike this balance. Tough love can sometimes spark tears, and I understand that each tear the child cries comes at an emotional price to the parent. I wonder if less parents will be willing to pay this cost, just as less schools seem to be willing to give a zero where it's needed to send home a message.

The only advice I can offer is start them young, remain aware, make the most of every "teachable moment", seek help/information, be transparent and consistent in your expectations and reactions, and keep your flexibility (and sense of humour) intact. Know that failures come and failures go, but maintain hope and trust, and those expectations. Remember the old, "Give a man a fish..." chestnut? Basically, this is what I'm driving at. Give your child the ability to fish, and they should do alright.

And, finally, ask your child's school about the no-zero policy, as many do not inform the parents it is in place, and act accordingly. If your school is not challenging your child adequately, you may have to pick up the slack, which might involve finding supplemental or alternative education. But, above all, find out directly from the school, and communicate with your child about how the policy makes him/her feel about doing the work, and react as you see fit.

Anyway, just some rambling food for thought in keeping with the "Back to School" season. Keep your eyes on the prize, folks, and best of luck!

25 Things About Me

I spotted this game on one of my interweb haunts tonight, and considered doing it. But since no one on forums really reads anything but their own posts if they're longer than a paragraph, I decided if I was going to do it, I should make a blog post.

So, here it is: 25 Random Things About Me...

1. I have been described as "very Canadian," but I have no idea what that means.
2. Recently, I've been inordinately fascinated by Victorian postmortem photography.
3. My least favourite thing about teaching, aside from the marking, is anything relating to disciplinary stuff. This was the main reason I went for university teaching instead of high school. Yes, you would think that there would be less of that at the uni level, wouldn't you?
4. I prefer the version of Spiderman who shoots webs out of his wrists, somewhat spider-like. I find the whole canisters of web stuff, though more "canonical," slightly lame.
5. I don't always eat BBQ chips, but when I do, I prefer Lays form, because they taste sweet.
6. I'm finding writing 25 random things much more difficult than I anticipated.
7. I used to hate pink as a child, but now I find it cheerful and pretty, and I like to punch my usually sedate and/or black wardrobe with touches of hot pink.
8. I once had a stranger toss a toonie into my cup of coffee thinking I was a panhandler while I was merely waiting for a bus. I used that toonie to replace the ruined cup of coffee.
9. I am a vegetarian, and a bit of a green freak.
10. I am a proud non-driver, and I walk or use public transit devotedly.
11. I insert my favourite foods into all my books, so if you were to read them all you'd be able to track my culinary tastes to a fair extent.
12. I have a great fondness for pink peppermints.
13. I wouldn't say I'm a coffee addict. More like a coffee devotee.
14. I admit I am very reluctant to travel, and I do as little of it as humanly possible. A number of people have expressed dismay over this: "How can someone not like to travel?" they ask in horror. I'm not sure about other non-travelers, but I can assure you at least one exists, and she's me.
15. I write all of my story outlines and a lot of my first drafts (or portions of them) long hand in coil or hardback notebooks, which enables me to write on buses, outside, and in waiting rooms.
16. I do most of my writing at night or very early in the morning, which means I have learned how to type very quietly.
17. I have a strong hatred of noise. Loud sounds physically hurt me, and droning sounds make me kind of crazy. I contend that no sound should be made unless it's nicer than the silence it breaks, and very few sounds qualify.
18. Perhaps due to #17, I find television irritating beyond belief, use the radio sparingly, and am becoming less and less inclined to use the telephone. Yet, I still love music - weird, huh?
19. When I'm stressed, I colour in colouring books or I do puzzles. (Good thing I have a four year old to make these things seem legit!) I eat ice when I'm tense, unwell, or frustrated.
20. I have a strong interest in politics, but a great dislike of discussing it. Same goes for religion, unless it's a historical, philosophical or anthropological discussion.
21. I am a movie fiend. I own thousands, and recall a lot of detail from every one I've seen. I can never identify my favourite film, since it changes constantly, but if you're ever so inclined you can see my Top 100 List. (I like lists.)
22. I love water - being near water, in water, around water. Being landlocked makes me claustrophobic. (Oh yeah, and I'm also a claustrophobic.)
23. One of my favourite books of all time is Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, and it sits on or near my desk most of the time. I find the "will to meaning" to be more significant to me than the "will to power" or "will to pleasure" theories of motivation. I think most of the world's problems could be solved it more people had (1) a sense of purpose, and (2) resources and some hope that they can achieve this purpose.
24. I have a general policy about stating my opinion only once. Beyond that, and you run the risk of argument, and argument is not really worth it. No one's mind is usually changed, but bad blood can arise.
25. I love plants - flowers, veggies, trees, and so on. If I could, I would spend my life growing things. I worked the family food plot as a kid, and I now have potted plants for my son to help tend. While I love the convenience of apartment living, and am adapting to urban life, I regret not having a real garden, and would like to rectify that some day.

There! 25 very random things, in the order in which they popped into my head. What are some random things about you? Stop on by the comments and tell us - got five, ten, twenty-five things?

If you'd rather do it on your own blog instead of in the comments, go ahead and then post a link (or link to me) so I can read them!

Truth

I read an Indie (aka Self-Published) novel recently. I can't say it was good. It kind of wasn't. The writing was on par for some of my mid-range students. The formatting was atrocious, and the errors numerous, and, through the unhappy combination of the two, most of the sentences and paragraphs read like they'd been through a blender. I had to read a lot of the bits multiple times to understand them. So it wasn't great.

But, yet, something about it stuck with me.

I appreciate beautiful writing. Normally, typos and grammatical errors can pull me right out of the book, and this book was no different. But, the overall feel didn't dissipate for some time afterwards. With better execution and editing, it might have been a great book.

But I'm not really writing about the grammar here, but about that Other Thing that caught my attention.

Truth.

Now, having been in the university system as long as I have, I know Truth is an iffy word for me. Capital-T Truth - does it exist? Likely not, on the grander scale. But, I think for authors it does.

There were moments in this book when the author showed genuine, fearless Truth. Glimpses of himself. Real, honest, raw insights into his childhood, which was the kind no one should have to endure.

I don't know, perhaps all of that emotion and honesty got in the way of the technical aspects of his writing. I could understand that. It happens to all of us, even when we aren't writing such harrowing tales (which is why I thank the heavens for objective editors).

What is this thing, authorial Truth?

For me, it's when I feel like I am no longer reading a book by a stranger, but hearing the intimate, confessional whispers of someone close by. Some of the best authors can make you feel this way through the most fantastic fictions; others through unflinching recounting of their real history. But, as a reader, you feel it to the marrow. You are sucked into the most painful empathy. When the author-as-child cries out, you know the author still feels that cry, and you feel it, too. This, to me, is Truth.

There have been brief moments when I have written my own Truth.

Even in some of my published works, I can see the honesty, crouched and veiled to my satisfaction. Sometimes, too much honesty, and I am grateful most of my readers don't know me personally, because I wouldn't be that honest with people I actually know in real life. I don't write about true events in my published works (so far), but I write about things I've actually felt, and I can see it lurking around the edges of my characters' minds.

But, for the most part, I do flinch. I protect, I huddle, and I hoard my Truth. It wouldn't be too far off the mark to call me Standoffish. My personality is generally, "Friend to all, close to none." I wasn't born under a poker table, but I should have been.

This book, for all its glaring errors, made me ask myself why that should be. Is that what's missing from my books? Would they be better if I didn't edit out so much Truth? Will these new projects, some of them extremely close to me, be better if I stop being so guarded?

Can I summon the courage?

It's hard to tell, but I thank that author for his honesty and Truth, and for making me ask these questions. Writers are blessed people. We have so much productivity in our profession from which to draw such questions, thoughts, rambles. I found some in a rather unlikely place, this time, which ennobled the book in my eyes, whatever the style. Beauty can be more than just the lines, I think.

Long live Truth.

There are Bad Days and then there are Really Bad Days

Yet, in all of them there's a little glimpse of okayness.

Monday, I had an awesome day - class went so well I almost floated home. I taught like a natural, the students were engaged, all was fine. Wednesday, however, I was so busy finishing marking and re-checking marks that I barely slept and had to cram in my lecture writing, planning on a light class... And then the lecture was eaten by my office computer before I could print it. And so was the Power Point slide presentation for class. Everything. I had to re-find the YouTube clips I had planned to show from memory, and just wing the lecture. Let's just say it was not a great day.

Thursday, panicking about writing the midterm up in time to meet the deadline for the printers, I wasn't allowed a moment's peace to work. Unexpected intrusion by the landlord, major hassle trying to track down computer-graded exam sheets instructions on the uni website (where no dept is ever called what it actually is any more), and a call from a scammer trying to strong arm me into letting them have remote access to my computer.

Today, I managed to get my exam in, and a lot of other stuff done, and was starting to feel pretty good... until I found a rejection letter in my email for a book of mine. Yes, these things happen, especially when you are trying to get into the bigger companies. I understand that, and am cool with it. It happens. But, when seen in the whole tapestry of crapulent luck I've been having this week, it just makes me laugh at the extreme overkill of this whole "cursed week" thing.

Recently, I've been kind of thinking of rolling back my writing and publishing, due to real life and day job and general fatigue. This seems like a good time to consider that, since I will soon be finished all my current contracts, and have no releases, subs or anything else looming. I might finish the current WIP, just for completeness sake, but a good rest for a couple months or years seems like not such a bad idea. From publishing, that is; likely not from writing. I've got decades left, I hope, to publish, so things will come as they may.

I'm okay with that, too.

However, today I also got a rather favourable review on Like Magic, so, as I said, the week hasn't been all bad.

Anyway, have a great weekend!

Vibes

I feel like either something big or something awful will happen fairly soon. You know that anxious wobble in the tummy, like adrenalin, and you can't say if it's dread or excitement? That's what I've got.

Subs are out there in the ether, with another soon to follow (I hope), with a fair ton of new releases for me this month and later... Plenty of shots for good news or bad. I want to start moving on up. I am itching to get on with a new contract, and to start making my mark. I've had my rookie year, almost. Now, it feels like time to piddle or get off the pot.

Will it be my shot soon, or will there be more wandering in the wilderness? Hard to say, but I feel like a change is in the air...

Anyway, here's one of my all-time favourite songs, and somewhat related (emotion-wise), as a little thanks for visiting:

A Moment of Personal Reflection

To be honest, I think I might need a break, though I am not usually a "take a break" person. I like going full-out, normally. I run best at "tense." I love being busy, most of the time, as long as I feel it's good, worthy work.

Recently, I have been having those "Why not give this gig up?" thoughts, which I'm sure happens to many writers (especially those of us who write along side a day job while also juggling a family). Without a real sense that it's worth it, it's hard to keep it all up at times.

Right now, I'm just not sure I'm enjoying this. Much of the writing process isn't jump-up-n-down enjoyable; some of it is often frustrating, depressing, draining and dull. A lot of it is very hard work, and time consuming to boot. I know this, have always known and accepted this, but usually I can find purpose and energy in the toil, because the enjoyable parts make it worth it. In general, I am most happy when industrious. This week, I might be flagging a bit, and feeling like all of this is just a high tech version of talking to myself.

Maybe I just need a new contract to re-energize me. This could merely be a between-contract lull for me. Or, perhaps after this WIP and the edits I have to do, I should take a break until NaNo, and see how I feel then.

Of course, this might just be a whim that passes - or it could be a sign that I'm ready to pick up my toys and go home. I'm simply not sure, yet.

Or, maybe I'm just coming down with something - that's always possible as well. :p

Author Photo

I need a new author photo.

For a while now, I've been getting by on some fortunate candid shots that, with a bit of cropping, turned out quite nicely and managed to carry the weight. But, now I think it might be time to actually do a real author photo.

I'm not happy about this. I seriously don't like having pictures taken, and I really don't like the pressure of doing one for my "public face." I hate the thought that, at some point, my picture could help/hinder a reader buy my book. ugh.

So, how does one look like a romance writer...?

And, no, I refuse to go to GlamorShots. Sorry.