Raising a Uni-Ready Kid

For my day job, I teach at a university. Some of my classes are first year, some second year, and some third year, so I get a front row view of how students progress from beginning to end. Needless to say, I have also gone through the progression, myself, so I observe these changes with no small amount of nostalgia/annoyance/amusement.

I have often set my mind to lessons I learn about parenting from watching my students. Today, I thought to write them down. Take them for what they are worth, as being from a parent to a young child and a teacher, but not a child development expert by any means. But recent public discussions about education has fired my thoughts on this matter, so I thought I might share my observations and opinions.

Recently, the issue of "zero zeros" policies in public schools have made it into the news. It seems a high school teacher in Alberta was suspended at the end of the last school year for defying the principal's orders that no student ever receive a zero. In fact, today that teacher, Lynden Dorval, will attend a hearing to learn if he will ever teach again.

The basic theory behind this is that the failure to hand in assignments is a behaviour issue, and not an academic one, so teachers cannot dole out absolute fails for a student's refusal to do the work. They also say it's a way for each student to learn at their own pace, and not be penalized for falling behind, as well as reduce stress for students. (The idea being that punishing a student for poor behaviour or late work will reduce their overall learning, prejudice their permanent record against them, and discourage them from even trying.) The teachers are obligated, within these systems, to convince the student to eventually do the work, to offer extra time for them, to allow them re-write times, to set extra-credit work, to consult with parents about the behaviour, and/or to mark whatever was handed in, and to make the final mark out of that by dropping the non-assessable assignments. In some districts, teachers are obligated to offer re-dos/re-writes if the homework is plagiarized or the tests are cheated on!

You can probably imagine my misgivings about this policy. I can see that the theorists have their hearts in the right place, and I admit they know more about educational theory than I, but I can't help but think that deadlines (i.e. time management, attentiveness, and dedication) are part and parcel with education. I also question the practicality and long term effects of such policies.

How can you mark a student based solely on academics, when you require them to display the "behaviour" of handing something in at some point? What if the student hands in nothing? What does "unable to assess" mean in the long run?

How much work would I have done in school if I knew there were no consequences to doing nothing, and that other students were getting the same (or even better) marks for doing less than me? I know how I'd feel - like a sucker for doing any more than I had to.

On top of all that, how will parents know their 9th grader isn't doing any work unless the grades start falling?

I was rather shocked when these stories started hitting the papers, since this was certainly not the policy when I was in school. I was in high school in the 90s, so I did benefit from the early-onset of the "no child left behind" policies of extra help, peer tutors, extra support for students with special needs, etc, but we had many deadlines, and we certainly got zeroes when we earned them. Likewise, in university, classes run the same way - accommodation for special needs is plentiful, tutors abound, profs offer extra help, and medical and sympathetic re-writes and extensions are certainly not rare. Most professors are open to discussing time crunch grounds for extensions if they are needed to allow students to do their best, if they are approached correctly and maturely, and the decisions can be fairly and uniformly enforced. But, we do give out Fs and zeroes as warranted. I find this reasonable, and I am baffled by the public school policy of no-zeroes, even when the student fails to show for tests without excuse.

One of the main concerns I have is how on earth these policies are expected to mesh with university policies, into which many of these highschoolers are expected to file after graduation from public school. I can tell you, from what I've seen so far, they do not mesh at all.

In recent years, the number of students who complain about failing courses, despite their failure to complete the work, has risen. The number of students expecting re-writes, extra-credit assignments, re-weighting, etc, without any medical/sympathetic cause is astounding. The expectation on the part of students that all grades are negotiable is, well, infuriating. Until I learned of the public schools implementing this zero-zero policy, these trends didn't quite make sense.

Now, they do.

On an official level, many universities are also noticing a major increase in the percentages of first year students who "wash out" (get such a low GPA that they are asked to leave) or get placed on academic probation. I would not be surprised if this, too, was related to the no-zero trend. After all, if you managed to cruise through four years of public high school without doing the work, how much cumulative knowledge will you miss? Could you handle university calc if you never did any high school math homework in your life?

Finally, the amount of remedial assistance required for first and second year students is increasing. University profs are doing more grammar, basic research skills, citation introduction, composition crash courses, etc, than we ever did before. We simply can no longer assume students have written research papers before attending university. When I started at university, it was assumed we had these basics from high school, and that we knew how to write an essay. That way, profs could focus on their subject, rather than on the nuts and bolts. Not so today.

This is not to say I blame the high school teachers, whatsoever. If policies like this disallow strict grading and force public school teachers to give up their own time to track down assignments, etc, I don't know how much more we can expect teachers to do, and I suspect that many are just as frustrated with this as some college/uni instructors are.

So, where does this leave us? I suppose it is now, perhaps more than ever, in the hands of parents to aim towards a university-ready child. Now that I have a child of my own, I watch public school theory much more closely, and I have become convinced that it is up to me to do what the teachers are not allowed to do - which is have high expectations of my child, for his own sake.

From my experience, both as a student and a teacher, there are a number of things that seem to hold true:

Too Much Money = Too Much Booze.

(If not booze, then some other distraction, perhaps, but most likely booze. Booze flows like water on campuses, and students do tend to go a bit nuts on it the first few months, at least.) While it is certainly true that students who must work more than 10-20 hours per week at a job during term can suffer a resulting decline in their GPA, I must say the opposite can also be true. Students who have unlimited funds often fall prey to their privilege. My advice - pay the tuition if you can, buy them a meal ticket if you wish, maybe help with the rent if you have extra, but never hand over the Gold Card and tell them to have fun. Consider making all spending money their own responsibility, no matter what your finances are like. Summer jobs, at the very least, never killed anyone, and a steadily dwindling bank account has served as a good reminder of the costs of binging to many a student. (On a personal note, paying my own way through school from the ground up made me value it more, for what it's worth.)

Freedom Can Be Horrible.

This is not to say that "constant vigilance" is the right answer, either. On the contrary, I've seen students with strict parents explode the moment they move into a dorm and realize mom isn't there. Others despair over being alone and making so many decisions, all of a sudden. The best course is to steadily increase freedoms/responsibilities/privacy from early childhood, so by the time they get to university they don't go wild with the heady thrill of forbidden joys, or decline due to lack of supervision. Free range is not just for granola munchers, and is not antithetical to the other opinions here, if you think about it. (On a related note, for the love of all that's holy, teach them how to do their laundry well before they go off to university! Also, how to cook, clean, grocery shop wisely, change a fuse, bank, do simple car maintenance, etc, etc. Advancing slowly and incrementally towards adulthood needs to be the focus for years prior to attaining it.)

Not Everything is Negotiable.

Some of us born to Baby Boomers and the subsequent generations have grown accustomed to parental negotiation. I'm not talking about simple ones, such as "Can I have a raw carrot instead of cooked veggies?" or other matters of preference, but of negotiated expectations, rules, regulations, even punishments. While, naturally, everything must be flexible to some extent, and every situation is unique, some things should remain non-negotiable. One example I have heard recently was a person who got a third speeding ticket in her parents' car, an event which she had been clearly warned would result in a set duration of grounding. It just so happened that the grounding period fell during the wrap up of her senior year, and she negotiated with her parents to proceed with the grounding, but still allow her to go to every single senior-year event. She even got them to let her use the car to attend them! Basically, this limit was so negotiable, it was pointless. Like the law, employers, and universities, only set limits you are willing to enforce; otherwise, they teach nothing but that every limit is negotiable - a lesson that will backfire in the "real world."

Reasonable Tough Love is a Gift. 
Reasonable Expectations are a Part of Tough Love.

The meaning here should be self-evident. Children raised with consistent, stable love, affection and attention develop the confidence required for later success. However, this doesn't require you to be your child's "best friend" instead of a parent, and placing loving, transparent, reasonable expectations (and consequences) upon them can and should be a part of this from preschool to high school, and, thus, beyond. As long as you are, indeed, reasonable (via ample communication, information, and observation), expectations can be a sign of love. Knowing your parent expects a certain level from you should be taken as a symptom of their pride and trust, and there is no feeling quite like rising to meet that expectation. People will rise, or stoop, to expectations from the people they love, and these things should not be undervalued, because, in the end, this is how they will learn how to expect things from themselves.

The Best Perspective: "Your Future = Your Responsibility."

I cannot overemphasize the importance of self-reliance, responsibility, and self-direction, since university exists on these qualities. I have seen students forced to go to university against their will, and this is a shame. I have seen many complain how hard it is to do their work without their parents riding them to do it, or without their mothers hovering over the Master Calendar to remind them of their obligations at all times. In my experience, students should understand their own agency in their lives by understanding their future is in their own hands. Thus, that's where the decisions and responsibilities should lie, as well. Associated with this is a firm suggestion to parents to back off as much as they can. (If you are paying all the bills, do what you need to do in regards to seeing the grades, but please understand the execution of university education is solely on your "child.") I had a colleague who had to deal with a student whose mom was doing his homework, which is ghastly. I myself have had calls and emails from parents "checking in," asking me for special conditions, and/or demanding explanation of grades - one, even, who decided to negotiate an F the student earned on an assignment that had been plagiarized! My response to these is, and must be (according to university policy), "Due to confidentiality, I cannot discuss grades with anyone but the student." Repeat after me: University is not grade school. There are no parent-teacher conferences here, so you best prepare your scholar for this by making sure they understand to rely on themselves and take charge of their own futures.

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A lot of the above can really be summed up by a healthy work ethic development, and an awareness of self-entitlement, and how to balance an understanding of self-worth with a necessary community rationality. Everyone is entitled to basic respect and rights, but no one is de facto entitled to rewards, by definition, and believing otherwise can be harmful. That is, a kid who says, "I am valuable, loved, and I have potential and responsibilities" is wonderful; a student who says, "I'm the center of the universe, so hand me what I want" is not. One will work because she owes it to herself. The other will not, because the world owes it to her. One sees the work itself as important; the other sees only the pay off. One views his profs as his guide, and demands that their prof help them foster their own future. The other views his profs as servants, and demands the profs hand him the credits he (or his parents) have paid for. One learns from zeroes, even if they sting. The other will only complain about them.

I know most parents know this, because I still see streams and streams of hard working, engaged young people in my work. But, believe me, I also know it is not always easy to strike this balance. Tough love can sometimes spark tears, and I understand that each tear the child cries comes at an emotional price to the parent. I wonder if less parents will be willing to pay this cost, just as less schools seem to be willing to give a zero where it's needed to send home a message.

The only advice I can offer is start them young, remain aware, make the most of every "teachable moment", seek help/information, be transparent and consistent in your expectations and reactions, and keep your flexibility (and sense of humour) intact. Know that failures come and failures go, but maintain hope and trust, and those expectations. Remember the old, "Give a man a fish..." chestnut? Basically, this is what I'm driving at. Give your child the ability to fish, and they should do alright.

And, finally, ask your child's school about the no-zero policy, as many do not inform the parents it is in place, and act accordingly. If your school is not challenging your child adequately, you may have to pick up the slack, which might involve finding supplemental or alternative education. But, above all, find out directly from the school, and communicate with your child about how the policy makes him/her feel about doing the work, and react as you see fit.

Anyway, just some rambling food for thought in keeping with the "Back to School" season. Keep your eyes on the prize, folks, and best of luck!

Wordless Wednesday: Legos Bring Pain

Just an average day at home.

My son never fails to leave a caltrop mine field for me, otherwise known as The Great Lego Desert, aka The Lego Debris Field, aka my living room floor.

Review: Forgiveness by Jean Brashear

Forgiveness by Jean Brashear
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I was in the mood for something different, and Forgiveness by Jean Brashear delivered quite well. I waver between 3.5 and 4, but I'm naturally inclined to round-up (being a teacher and all).

Forgiveness (2005) is an installment in a rather unusual series published by HQ's SuperRomance category. I am a fan HQ SuperRomance, as they are longer, meatier and more "real life" than some of HQ's other categories. SuperRomance is also one of the best romance category for finding solid secondary characters, a particular enjoyment for me. Most of all, it's a reliable source of solid mature contemporary, non-paranormal, romance. However, the novels can also be a bit typical, following a lot of standards that can sometimes feel comforting, but can also be a bit blah if you're not in the mood for romance. Last night, I was not in the mood for a typical romance, but I couldn't find a mystery in my house that really sparked my interest, and I was in "too-lazy-for-non-fiction" mode at the moment. So, I chose Forgiveness, which did not seem too much like every other small town romance.

And it certainly is not.

So, picture the scene: It's nearing 6 am, and I'm reading. I know that I have a few scant hours before my child wakes and eats me alive if I am running on no sleep. Yet, I am reading, still. I am also red, puffy, tear-stained, and completely clogged up (sexy, I know!). At that point, I had only a few chapters left, and I had been crying for about five hours. Yet, I had to finish! Not a pretty tale to tell, but I think it certainly says something very good about this book.

Forgiveness tells the tale of Ria, a young woman who's been living in her car for months with her four year old son. Eventually, as winter approaches, she returns to the family she left six years ago. She left, feeling rejected, because she was responsible for the death of her younger brother. Always the "bad seed," she fled, knowing she could never replace the "favourite." But now, malnourished, weak, and helpless with a young son to feed, she's forced to try to mend fences. And she becomes increasingly fearful that her mother has figured out a way Ria can repay her debt - by giving up her own son to the family!

Harrowing. To the say the damned least.

(Side note: Some of the basic plot might make you recall the Anne Hathaway film Rachel Getting Married (2008), which features the return of an alcoholic sister/daughter who was responsible for the death of her parents' child while drunk/stoned. The stories are quite similar, but the reactions and characters are quite different. If you find the subject matter of the film compelling, you might like Forgiveness, but even if you disliked the film you still stand a good chance of liking the book.)

In Forgiveness, Ria is a woman who is filled with self-loathing in every single inch of her. Self-destructive, unhealthy, paranoid, filthy, depressive, beaten down, objectified, you name it. Ria is an absolute mess. The one thing she feels she's done right in her entire life is have Benjy, her son, and now she begins to feel she must sacrifice him to punish herself for the life she took. But Benjy is the only reason she is a live, the only thing keeping her from letting go, and the only thing keeping her going, so she struggles with this revelation. On the one hand, she feels like she doesn't deserve to have her son when she deprived her parents of theirs (a loss that subsequently destroyed the family in her absence), but on the other hand, she and Benjy are a bonded pair. The boy does love his mother - how can she bear the guilt of disappointing him, too?

(I believe Ria also has morbid undertones, which gave me shivers at various points throughout the book. It's never very overt, but rather hangs about the margins. She seems to build a paranoia for herself that if she doesn't relinquish her child to the parents she destroyed, fate will punish her by having him die anyway. This is a subtle thread, but very present and adds a great deal of urgency to the book, in my opinion. It also stood as a bleak reminder of the stresses on parents struggling to feed their families - death, disaster, doom become constant preoccupations when suffering is prolonged enough.)

But Ria also sees that poverty and depression has put demands on Benjy that four year olds probably shouldn't really face. Basically, she is struggling with the all-too-common belief that children are better off not being with their parents if the parents are struggling, no matter how much the kids love them. All around her, people are telling her what an idyllic life Benjy could have with her family - but do they say this to convince her to stay with Benjy, or to convince her to give him up and leave?

Did I *like* Ria...? This is a difficult question. Not really, I have to admit. She was a brash, childish, mopey, masochistic, ignorant, and often completely irrational punk. And so damn defeatist! If she were a real life person, I could see she'd be very difficult to be around for long. BUT, as a character? I couldn't help but sympathize, since the book gives such vivid descriptions of her pain. She didn't become a defeatist out of nothing, so seeing her life made the character work for me.

My major complaint about her was how obnoxious it is for adults to still focus so much energy on imagined childhood slights ("Daddy let Betsy help build the tree house! Nothing's ever mine any more! I liked it better when I was an only child!"), and Ria did this constantly.

However, when viewing the complete tapestry of her life, including the lifelong decline of her self-esteem and the horrible loss of her brother due to her drinking, it's hard to blame her for being broken. And, not to go into too much personal detail, but there were things in the book that resonated with me quite deeply, so I admit that this coloured my view of the book.

So, yes, the main storyline touched me. Ria's desire to live combined with her desire to self-annihilate moved me. I did commune with this character, and the author places Ria, warts and all, very directly and effectively. I felt like I knew her, and by the end of the book, I was sort of her critical (yet sympathetic) friend. I kind of wanted to brain her, but I was also rooting for her. I think this is a sign of a strong book, personally.

Ria, though often weak, scared, and abused by men in her quest for anything that remotely feels like love, is not your typical romance heroine. Sure, she's not admirable, but she's very human, and she does draw compassion from me. Brashear was courageous in creating such a flawed character. There's not a Mary Sue in sight!

Now, as to why I'm more inclined towards 3.5 than a full 4, despite the book's compelling readability - I warn you, if you want to read a romance, this book might not be for you.

Sandor, the hero, is a Hungarian-born handyman who is half in love with Ria's mother, and certainly devoted and grateful to her. He starts off perceiving Ria as a threat to his patroness, having heard all the "bad seed" stories and blaming her for the destruction of her mother's life. Through the course of the book, however, he finds his inherent goodness, integrity and compassion draws him to see Ria not as a monster but as a very sad person, and he wishes to be her friend. By the end of the book, he sees her as even more, and Ria begins to flourish and heal under his outsider's view of her.

This romantic relationship is really just a subplot, which might annoy some romance readers. The romance feels like an after-thought. Sandor hardly ever directly interacts with anyone, including Ria, and the majority of the time we see through his eyes, he's merely contemplating Ria and her family. He has his own backstory, true, but he's not very well integrated into the book itself. He's on the outside looking in, quite literally, and there were moments I even forgot about him. He was likable enough, but not very important.

There's also a minor subplot involving the relationship between Ria's mother and father, which I understand is continued in another book in the series. I have to say, this is the only area I found the book predictable and trite. Certain obstacles in that relationship are swept aside in a few scant, convenient paragraphs, and this subplot marred the book for me rather than added to it.

Therefore, though I kind of loved this book, I can't really recommend it to romance readers, without a caveat. Basically, despite its romance subplot, Forgiveness is more like "women's fiction" than a "romance novel".

It's not really about romance - Forgiveness is a story about motherhood, family, and, well, forgiveness. Self-forgiveness, most of all. It's also about mothers and daughters, and the way we feel compelled to both mirror and reject our mothers, and balancing the need to belong with the need to become individuals. It's also about flawed mothers, and how the mistakes we make reverberate for a lifetime, especially in our own guilt.

While this may not be a romance, it is a love story, alright. But not a love story in the way most will expect from a SuperRomance. I found myself surprised this was a HQ book, actually, and it makes me wonder what Brashear could do (or has done or will do) outside of category romance. I will keep an eye out for her, because I think this is a writer who could write off-genre very well.

With the above notes in mind, I do recommend this book if you enjoy emotional, messy, human stories. Be warned, however, this book is remarkably heavy on despair, and might be more angsty than you want if you're looking for a light romance.

View all my reviews

Sokath, his eyes uncovered!

Living with small children is like a Federation diplomatic mission. They look odd, dress in bizarre ways, and their favourite foods are completely incomprehensible. Their modes of communication are even less transparent.

For example:

Tot: Diego. And the Baby Shower.
Me: Baby shower?
Tot: Diego's baby shower. His noise, "Rowl Rowl."
Me: Oh, Diego and the Baby Jaguar?
Tot: Yes.
Me: Then...?
Tot: Diego. And the Baby Jaguar. With the Macaw.
Me: (silence)
Tot: Alicia and the kinkajou.
Me: Okay, I'll play. Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra!
Tot: (silence)
Me: Temba, his arms wide?
*mutual stares of confusion*

And to think it's only going to get worse in the teen years. Shaka. Shaka, when the walls fell, indeed.

Yet, for the good of the future, one must keep trying.

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PS: Voting at TRR, where Strings Attached is nominated for Best Contemporary Romance 2011, closes tomorrow - please vote, if you haven't yet!

True Story

Little story from my day today...

I was in the kitchen, when my Tot comes to me and says, "Mommy, I wee-weed in my chair." I groaned a bit, but, hey, accidents happen. I follow him into the living room, to his rocking chair. I look. I see nothing. I ask him again, "You wee-weed in your chair?" He says, "Yes, I wee-weed in my chair." I look again. Again, no evidence of urine. I ask him to show me.

He sits in his chair, rocks back and forth vigourously, saying, "Weeee! Weeee!"

I was torn between relief and groaning again.

Happy Leap Day Birthday!

My son turns the big Oh-Four today - our first time celebrating on the 29th!

Happy Birthday, Sprout!

Happy birthday, also, to all the other Leapers out there. I admit, I'm impressed by such a rare and awesome birth date.


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Image taken from frogstore.com.

Holiday Memories (with Giveaway)

Welcome, RomFan Reviews blog hoppers!

I chuckled when Annette told me that the theme for this blog hop was to be “holiday memories,” because there’s only one thing that comes to mind… and I’m not sure if people really want to hear about it. In retrospect, given this Thing that comes to mind, it’s kind of a surprise I have become a “holiday romance writer.” (That’s not all I write, but I’ve kind of overdone it on the holidays, so that’s becoming my reputation.)

You see, this Thing that came to mind was – wait for it – throwing up.

I know, a bit on the TMI side, but this really is my firmest holiday memory – because, you see, it happens every single damn year, or at least it seemed to, until recently.

When I was a kid, there were two things I loved that we only ever had at the holidays – grapes and soda pop. They were too expensive, and “special,” so my parents only got them at Christmas. I recall us keeping the 2L pop bottles under the kitchen table in December, and how I used to count the days until Christmas so we could crack one of those suckers. I don’t know why I liked pop so much. Perhaps it was simply because I wasn’t allowed to have it the rest of the year. And grapes, well, those things are simply awesome. So, the result of gorging myself, every year on these things? Almost ever year – possibly every year – I would consume so much that I made myself ill, and Boxing Day always found me waking up a bit green from my adventures. Holidays are often seasons of excess, and I am no saint.

A few years ago, this excess came in the form of a roast chicken. I am a vegetarian, and I have been since I was fourteen years old. I refuse to tell you how long that is, exactly, but rest assured it has been a long while. But, when I got pregnant, I decided I would go with my cravings, within reason, in case they were my body’s way of telling me I was lacking things. I had an extremely healthy pregnancy on a careful vegetarian diet – except for one, ill-advised night when I was about seven months along. Christmas Eve 2007.

That night, I was craving roast bird. Not turkey, since I have always hated turkey, even when I used to eat meat. I wanted chicken. I always loved chicken, and it was the hardest of the meats to give up, I admit. That Christmas eve, when looking at a Swiss Chalet delivery menu, I cracked. I love their perogies, so that was my original intent… But I knew they were famous for their wonderful chicken. And I picked a chicken dinner with all the fixins’. Call it pregnant lady insanity, but there I sat, gorging myself on dead bird and dressing. I was in heaven.

Not so much about 2am that night when my chicken dinner left my body of its own accord. Let’s just say the chicken and I had a horrible breakup that left me lying helpless and crying on the bathroom floor for about an hour. Merry Christmas to me!

As it turns out, that would not be the only time my son would have me up and sobbing at 2am. However, it was the last time the Christmas Up-Chuck Curse hit. Since then, my holidays have passed relatively uneventful, as far as gastrointestinal discomfort is concerned.

Why? I don’t know. Perhaps I have learned a few lessons about the size of my eyes in relation to the size of my stomach. That would be nice. I have no desire to carry on the tradition.

And that’s the most striking memory that comes to mind when people ask me about my most memorable holiday. I’ve had many good and bad holiday experiences, but this Thing really is hard to beat.

Oh, and the grapes? My son and I still ring in every New Year with a big bowl of them. With ginger ale soda. But we don’t overdo it. Some traditions don’t warrant getting handed down through the generations.

Happy New Year, one and all!

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Leave a comment and tell me about your worst or most humiliating holiday moment for a chance to win a Kindle copy of my New Years erotic-romance, Bubbly, via Amazon. Winner will be drawn Dec 31, 2011.

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Anne Holly is a Canadian writer of romance and erotic-romance, as well as a mother and teacher. She is the author of the novel Strings Attached, which was described by The Romance Reviews as “a classic contemporary romance.” She has been published by Wild Horse Press, Decadent Publishing and Rebel Ink Press, and in 2012 by Pink Petal Books. Anne’s work is characterized by its unusual heroes, sweet/spicy balance, witty dialogue, responsible citizenship, and its positive, optimistic nature. She has found a particular niche in holiday romance. You may visit Anne at her blog or website, or find her on GoodReads, Facebook and Twitter  (@anneholly2010). Sign up for her newsletter here. Email her at anneholly2010@gmail.com.