Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Guest Post from Deanna Wadsworth: Fruitcake 101

Okay, folksies, we all know no one eats fruitcake. I can’t even believe people are baking them…do you even bake them? I’m not sure. Maybe they are like mushrooms and they just start growing in damp dark places. And people try to pass them off as dessert by trick f***ing us and calling it CAKE!

News flash: You’re not fooling anyone with that one!

Personally, I am convinced the purveyors of these calorie-laden, rock-hard, “cakes” are all in some club where they sycophantically plot who to gift with these nuclear edibles. Maybe they sit around trying to top each other with stories about how us fruitcake-giftees actually ATE some just to be polite.

So what should you do if you are unlucky enough to receive one of these concrete delicacies?

Well, in my research for this blog I discovered dozens upon dozens of websites and blogs dedicated to this holiday treat.

Mostly it appears that folks enjoy coming up with uses for fruitcake. Such as:

* One slice of fruitcake can balance a wobbly kitchen table

* They can be a fun alternative for clay pigeons the next time you go skeet-shooting

* You can put them on the table center atop a bed of pinecones, holly and evergreen branches. If you coat it with polyurethane so you can use it year after year.

* One slice of fruitcake is an ideal campfire starter, especially if it has been excessively doused with rum

* If one attaches a fruitcake to the other end of a teeter-totter a child can use the equipment by himself.

* Dumbbells. Who needs a gym membership when two fruitcakes easily weigh 15lbs each!

* Fruitcakes used as speed bumps will stop people from speeding thru your cul-de-sac

Here are some more Fun Fruitcake Facts:

* Did you know December 27th is National Fruitcake Day (also known as Fruitcake Forever Day)? If you received a fruitcake for Christmas, share it with all your friends that day! Make sure every-one gets a piece. Don’t be stingy!

* Someone wrote a song called, ‘Eat the Last Piece of Fruitcake,’ sung to the tune of 'Last Train to Clarksville' by The Monkees. It’s a very funny song parody. Unless, of course, you love Christmas fruitcake and do not value your molars. Here’s the link.

* If they had used fruitcakes instead of sand bags we could have contained the Gulf oil spill from reaching land

* Fruitcakes have been used as substitute railroad ties by CSX

* Bowling alleys will take fruitcakes off your hands and use them as bowling pins. You might even get a free game out of it

No not really…I made the last few up. But I had ya goin’ didn’t I?

***

If you have a fun use for Fruitcake, post a comment below. You will be entered to win either a copy of one of my erotic stories, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow or Red Riding Hood.

Deanna Wadsworth is an erotica author. She leads a pretty vanilla life in Ohio but her fascination with all things taboo and bizarre find their way into her writings. You can find her at her blog and on Facebook.

Deanna's latest erotic m/m novel SECRET SANTA is the December Decadent Publishing Read for Life feature. Read For a Cure is a Decadent Publishing program benefiting the American Cancer Society Relay For Life Each month, they donates ALL PUBLISHER PROFITS from one book to R4L in their efforts to help fight back against cancer.
Deanna will be donating 50cents per purchase of SECRET SANTA to this same great cause.
So if you have never read an m/m story before, please pick up a copy of SECRET SANTA. It is One Naughty Read for one Nice Cause!

For more information about how you can help donate to Relay for Life or to join TEAM DECADENT check out this LINK

12 comments:

Decadent Publishing said...

HEY! I actually have a fruitcake recipe that is good. Though, it contains no nuclear fruit (gross). All fresh or dried fare, and nuts. I know how you like some nuts, Deanna!

Nice post, I'll tell everyone. And THANK YOU for posting the link for Relay For Life!

Tricia Schneider said...

Is there really a use for fruitcake? I watched a friend's face twist and contort in a way faces were not meant to do when he tasted my MIL's fruitcake. It sent shivers down my spine. Then I bravely ate a piece. I will never eat fruitcake again! lol He never finished it, btw. He hid his plate behind a plant and told her it was delicious. For all we know, it's probably still there, haunting the house!

Tanja said...

Fruitcake, I don't think so. Skip the "cake" and just give me the rum!

Deanna said...

DP: I DO love me some nuts....

Tricia: LOL, he hid it behind the plant? Was he an adult? OMG, it had to be bad!

Tanja: I'll stick to the rum too! :)

Nina Croft said...

After reading this, I've decided to get all my dogs a fruit cake for Christmas - instead of a bone - I'm sure it will last longer. But I'll let them know I got the idea from you!

Deanna said...

LOL, Nina! I bet your doge will love it!

Anne Holly said...

Sorry for going AWOL on my own blog! Freelancey stuff got CRAY-zee yesterday all of a sudden. I am so pleased Deanna could hold down the fort for me! Thanks!

The thing about fruitcake is that it always makes me sad to see such nice ingredients be turned into something so inedible. Just pas the gum drops, and forget the "cake" (which really should be called "fruit loaf" or something).

Thanks so much for dropping by, Deanna, and I hope the book makes tons for the Read for the Cure!

Deanna said...

You really have a point Anne! Such a waist of good nuts....

Deanna said...

Tanja! Thank you for stopping by! You are the lucky winner of one of my stories, Red Riding Hood or The Legend of Sleepy Hollow!
Enjoy!

Deanna said...

But Tanja...I need your contact info...

Valerie Mann said...

I'm one of the five people on Planet Earth who love good fruitcake. That picture is gross fruitcake. But a good one that's moist and chewy - yum. I may have to send you one just so you know I'm not lying! Fun post as usual, Deanna!!

Deanna said...

I always assume fruitcake will be yummy...its full of rum, sugar, nuts and candy...what's not to like? But all the ones I have tried are gross!
I would LOVE to be proved wrong!

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